Pretty Maids All in a Row

Summary

“I don’t understand this. We’ve always kept our academic averages so high’” 

Recently Warner Archive released a film called The Late Show by the late great director-writer Robert Benton. I did not know at the time that that release shared cinematographer Charles Rosher Jr. with another planned release – Roger Vadim’s wild sex comedy Pretty Maids all in a row. These pictures are wildly different aside from that fact. Directed by Roger Vadim, Pretty Maids all in a row was based on a salacious novel by Francis Pollini. This truly strange sexploitation comedy was adapted by Gene Roddenberry who created the Star Trek series (and later The Next Generation.) This incredibly strange mish-mash is more than likely the reason that Pretty Maids all in a row has had a following over the years, and the film is not without its fans. I can tell you this after watching it – this film is a wild ride that touches on so many taboos and outre things that it is incredibly unlikely that it will find an immediate fan base amongst viewers who were unaware of the film. Needless to say, this film is not written with Star Trek fans in mind in any way, shape, or form. It is simply a raunchy, bizarre, and very horny time at the movies in a time where the free love generation could get away with making something so truly out there.

In sun-drenched California, Oceanfront High highschooler Ponce de Leon Harper (John David Carson) has the female form on his mind. His substitute teacher Miss Smith (Angie Dickinson) arouses him simply by asking him about his paper on Paradise Lost and Milton. He heads to the restroom to cool off and accidentally finds a body of a girl in a bathroom stall. A note is pinned to her underwear. Ponce runs to Mr. Proffer (Roddy McDowall) to tell him. Meanwhile guidance counselor and football coach Michael “Tiger” McDrew (Rock Hudson) is having sex with a student. An inept police chief (Keenan Wynn) shows up and does a terrible job of preserving the crime scene. Police Captain Sam Surcher (Telly Savalas) arrives to investigate. They call in the football coach and interrogate Ponce and he answers all their questions. The film follows the comedic sexual frustrations of Ponce, the multitude of flings of Tiger (who is completely irresistible to all women around him,) and the investigation of the murders by Captain Surcher.

This is an extremely strange sexploitation comedy that defies the conventions of almost anything that you would see produced in the last fifty years. Therefore, I can completely understand the reason it has held a cult following. It is a randy film that has its fair share of nudity, sexually frank discussions, and a ton of early Seventies style, but it is firmly a product of its time. I mean – the film has no qualms featuring numerous romances between MUCH older teachers and students. It is all played for fun, and if I was a sex crazed teenager seeing this film in the Seventies, I probably would have loved the fantasy element. As an adult with two boys over ten, this film feels completely bizarre and out of touch with our times. The script by Gene Roddenberry is in some ways a mess, but he was adapting from pretty scandalous material (if you don’t believe me, look it up.) The comedy elements in the picture at numerous points fail to land, but that might simply be due to a somewhat underwhelming performance by John David Carson as Ponce. While he nails the insecurity of those teenage years, he also completely lacks the charisma of a leading man. The moments with Telly Savalas, Angie Dickinson, or Rock Hudson fare much better, which makes sense given their pedigree. That said, the film may be a mess, but it never fails to be an entertaining mess. I had no desire to turn it off, even though I constantly was questioning my decision to proceed watching. 

Roger Vadim may have failed to draw a good performance from John David Carson, but the film does manage to ooze Californian style. From the sun-drenched cinematography by Charles Rosher Jr, to the song “Chilly Winds” performed by the Osmonds, and the score by legendary maestro Lalo Schifrin, Vadim definitely nailed down the California of the Seventies vibe. Vadim also is quite good at photographing beautiful women (Bardot? Fonda?,) and the picture benefits from his expertise in that department.

At the end of the day, I don’t really know what to say about this film. I would be hard pressed to recommend it to anyone who does not know what they are getting themselves into, but I still had fun watching it despite its numerous shortcomings. Other reviewers have been far less kind to it, so I would recommend reading some more reviews before considering a blind buy.

Video

Warner have done a truly terrific job on the restoration of Pretty Maids all in a row working from a new 4K scan from the original camera negatives. Presented in 1.85:1 aspect ratio in 1080p with an MPEG-4 AVC encode, the film could not look any better on Blu-ray than it does here. The film looks great. There is a fine level of grain that is not obtrusive. Fine detail is handled well. The Warner crew can hang their hats on the great job they are doing restoring these films.

Audio

Warner have provided a great DTS-HD MA 2.0 track that presents the original Mono track in split channels. Dialogue is very clear. I did not detect any notable hiss or distortion. The score by Lalo Schifrin fits the vibe of the film. Overall, it is another winning track from Warner.

Supplements:

Theatrical Trailer

Overall Scores:

Video – 5/5

Audio – 4.5/5

Supplements – .5/5

Overall – 3.5/5

Pretty Maids all in a row is a truly bizarre teen sex comedy from director Roger Vadim that was shot from a script by Gene Roddenberry of Star Trek fame. The movie is admittedly not easy to quantify as “good.” Some of the acting is atrocious, and the film revels in relationships between teens and faculty at a high school. The novel was pretty scandalous, and the movie does not shy away from flesh and death for many of the pretty maids. While the film is hard to recommend, I was never at any point bored. The cinematography by Charles Rosher Jr. is easy on the eyes, and I enjoyed seeing Telly Savalas and Rock Hudson appearing to get a nice paycheck. Angie Dickinson is particularly attractive in this film. I had no trouble watching the film to its completion, so I find myself having trouble deriding or celebrating the picture. Regardless, Warner Archive has done a great job on the technical specs with a gorgeous looking 4K restoration. If you love this film, you will be overjoyed with the care it has received. If you hate this film, no 4K restoration is going to change your mind about it.